And life goes on

I just woke up from a strange dream that got me thinking. I can barely open my eyes but sleep is gone from me so I figured I'd capture my dream before I lose that too.

In this dream, my sister, Sarah, and I find ourselves wandering around a hotel/convention centre and we are I guess mistaken for other people or caught in the rapt of some big commotion. Anyhow, we soon find ourselves dressed in glamorous clothes, I in a silver gown (which is funny because I loathe silver) and Sarah in a black one. The dresses are beautiful  although our hair and shoes and makeup are all drab. We are then thrown onto a large stage. It appears that we are on an awards show of some sort in the Philippines and then it turns out it's  the Golden Globes. So we're standing on stage with a crowd of people who seem to be extras on set and we just do what they do. Some people are singing and there's dancing, the way filings do. Then a break comes and we're all sent to the "green room", which isn't green in case you're visualizing with me. We're sitting on a  round bench just watching what's going on around us and wondering how the heck we got there and we're looking at our shoes wondering why they didn't give us new shoes.

So we just sit and sit. People are passing by totally unaware that we don't belong. Some making weird passes at us and some just looking but nothing unseemly. We get up and walk for a bit then go back to our seats. A couple of individuals introduce themselves and notice we don't have passes like them but they don't say anything about it. And then "Sara Sidel" from CSI comes up to us asking for our passes. We unintentionally ignore her questions because of who she is (being nothing but excited about it) and she gets angry saying we're mocking her. She then begins to kick out intruders and spotlights us. We try to explain that we didn't mean to be there and didn't even know how we got there but of course it all sound like an excuse.

And that's essentially the end of it. Haha to the rest unmentioned in between. 

Anyway, this dream got me thinking...

Don't you feel that sometimes or at some time in life, you got swept up in a current and found yourself just going with the flow just because that's where are. You feel a little dazed and a little confused but don't really know where else to go or what else to do so you just stay right there. You appear to be in the right place but your shoes don't match. And you can feel people looking but they don't say anything so you don't know what to take from it. Then all of a sudden someone or something stops you in the flow and knocks you right out of it. You find yourself in still waters.

The dream ends. You're feeling a bit out of sorts, wondering, "What the heck just happened?" And then life continues. But now what?

Roid Rage

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want to scream until your lungs collapse and the littlest sound of anyone's voice makes you want to snap and yet, at the same time, you want to hide in a closet, fall on the floor and cry until you empty yourself out? That was me today. In fact, I am presently sitting in a closet typing this out because I have no other way to let out all of my wild, uncontrollable emotions. I feel angry, spastic, temperamental and frustrated. I feel anxious, sad, lonely and wrung-out. I feel claustrophobic yet alone. I feel crazy!

I must confess now that the major, though not entire, cause of this emotional and mental kerflugenflagam (yeah I just typed out letters there) is that I am on a series of steroids right now, Prednisone, to be exact. I am on a 6-week cycle of the drug to help get my Crohn's Disease back in check. I have got one week down, five to go, and the drug works wonders I tell you. I love going on them because they work so fast in calming things down but for every magic spell, there are consequences... The minor ones being, I am hungry more and gaining weight FAST. The major one being THE RAGE! I feel like the Hulk, the littlest thing sets me off, I have no patience and I feel like I could go days without sleeping even though my body is crying for me to. I hate this feeling. I hate being snappy and irritable and upset. I hate having no outlet for it. I hate having no peace and quiet, no freedom, no alone time to just calm myself. No "serenity now" for me. I am trying to get used to a new living situation. I am trying to get my children to settle nicely without continuously asking to go home. I am trying to make myself feel at home and comfortable. But it doesn't help that I have to do all of this by myself and while feeling like this. All I want to do is lock myself in this closet and hide here until it all goes away.

But I can't.

So.... what do I do?

I yell and scream in my head. I cry in my heart. And I fall to my knees and pray to God that He will be my strength and that He will lead me to calm waters. I need the Lord's calm waters. I need His grace and mercy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I need my Rock to keep me steady during this tumultuous time. (I'm not even kidding, it is tumultuous. If you've ever been on 'roids of any kind, you know how it can mess you up and if you haven't, then I'm sure you've heard stories. - Sorry for the rant there.)

...I also need my kids to calm the heck down so I can sit down for more than two minutes at a time. But that's another challenge for another time.

Anyway, thanks for listening! xoxo

I Got A Feeling

Today I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like this but the feelings are strong and true.


This morning started out pretty much the same as any other: me in the kids' room, having fallen asleep there after Inaya woke up crying before daylight. I was awakened by the delivery of very enthusiastic hugs, which is the norm and the rest of the day was routine as well: feeding, cleaning, changing, tickling and playing/reading on repeat and also cooking, cleaning, washing, folding and sweeping on repeat as well. I was busy, busy and more busy. But for some reason, while the girls were air drying from their bath and I was folding laundry, I felt this sudden rush of calmness and peace. It wasn't like something special happened, everything was actually quite ordinary but I just felt happy. There I was, folding clothes & listening to Eva Cassidy while catching the giggles of my children sitting on the sofa watching television and I felt happy. I felt light.


As a mother, there is nothing like listening to your children laugh and play together or seeing unadulterated happiness in their eyes. There is no greater gift than knowing that my children are happy and I think today just gave me overwhelming joy in being a mother. I think God knew that I was feeling very emotional and heavy and decided to lighten my load. It's not like my burdens have gone away but a burst of love turned to joy is just what I needed to lighten the load. 


There is only one other time in my life when I felt this feeling. It was over 10 years ago when after popping many colourful pills into my mouth, I was lying down in bed with a knife in my hand. I had not just hit rock bottom, I was repeatedly pummelling myself into that rock. I was beyond despair. Although I don't know how I managed to remain coherent, I know that I sent out a desperate prayer to God begging Him for a way out of my despair. I begged Him to either allow the pills to do their intended job or to take my life apart and build up a completely new one for me. I prayed that night until I fell asleep, not knowing whether I would wake up the next morning. Needless to say, the pills didn't work but even more than that, the prayer did! That morning I felt as light as air, literally. It was a strange feeling, like I was weightless and being carried. I felt unburdened and that was the renewing of my faith in God's promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And although I grew up in a Christian home, it was then that I knew without a doubt that I was His child and that He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for my sins! For me!  He truly loved me and heard my prayers. He was real and I mattered to Him!


That was the first time that I really felt God's hand on me, today was the second and I'm sure that there will be many more because God really does know what I need and when I need it. I may be counting pennies or rubbing overly used joints and I may continue to do so all the days of my life but He knows exactly what I need to continue moving forward. He knows when my well is drying up and I'm in need of some water and He gives it to me. He lifts me into His mighty arms, feeds me His thirst quenching water and I feel as light as air. Oh what a feeling!

Preserved Flower Paintings

So this blog will be short and sweet, hopefully more sweet than short...

After Holy Hungry Artists (which will be held again sometime before Christmas), I was asked to put up pictures of my paintings online so that others could view them. Unfortunately, I don't have much to show as I don't paint as often as I would like to but here they are:

So this first painting is my most famous. I created it the summer of 2009, and it has the most interesting background story. I call it Fertility because when I had a dream about this painting (which I often have before I can create anything of value) it first came out as a painting of two sperms impregnating two ovums. This is what the painting was at first, but when I made it into reality, it wasn't what I envisioned or it was but I didn't like how it looked. So I took some flowers that my new husband had given, I dried them, affixed them onto the canvas and then repainted it into this. I thought, well if I can't make my vision into reality then I'll make it into a keepsake of the first flowers he gave me after we got married. But the funny thing about this painting is that shortly after I finished it (about a month after), we found out that I was pregnant with fraternal twins! So the vision I had for this piece was like a premonition of my darling girls...and it's a keepsake at the same time!

The next floral piece was created to preserve special flowers once again. The red roses remind me of when I had my open heart surgery last year and of my husband staying by my side every day at the hospital. These were from the bouquet he gave me at the hospital. I didn't really have any meaningful design in mind other than I wanted to petals to look like they were blowing in the wind. I call it Forget Me Not because it reminds me of how close I came to death and how precious and short life. Eventually we all become but a memory, hopefully never to be forgotten. (This painting is sold).

This final floral piece was created once again out of flowers from my hubby. I finished it recently for the art show. I didn't really have any inspiration for this one either, in regards to the design. It is simply called Petals.

I have made two other one that were custom orders. If any one is interested in a custom painting, you can leave me a message here. I can use your own flowers, if so desired or I can choose flowers myself. If there is a story behind the chosen flowers, please let me know that too so that I can take it into account with the design (I also just love hearing/reading stories)! The cost of the painting is determined by the cost of the materials, size of canvas and amount of time spent on it. I can only give a price range at pre-production time.

Hidden Gems

This Sunday my family church is hosting its 2nd  Holy Hungry Artists event in which we celebrate the talents of local hidden artists be it a painter, a photographer, a singer, a crafter or a baker, all are given the spotlight on this special night. There are so many people just in our local city with so much skill and talent that never see the light because they are either not given the opportunity to explore that talent or because they are afraid of either the pains of production or of the finished product itself. I, myself, am afraid of both but this weekend I will be one of the people presenting my creations for the first time to the general public. I am doing so because I am afraid to. I have always been afraid of 'doing things wrong' and looking silly but I am trying this new thing called "believing that I am special and have God-given talents" that were given to be used. 


It seems fitting I think to correlate this with the hidden gems of Christ's kingdom (ahem, us, again). The potential evangelists, the counsellors, the missionaries, the Sunday School teachers, the prayer warriors, the Church leaders who are afraid of that tiny nudge from God towards a certain path that we all too often shy away from. You know, that nudge that gives you that strange feeling in your chest and belly resemblant to the need to eliminate something. Gross I know, but it's a good metaphor because that feeling may perhaps be a need to eliminate your fears and follow God's leading despite what the pains of production may be or what the actual outcome may be. The important thing is that you listened to God and you utilized the gifts that He gave you. 


So explore your hidden gifts, He gave them to you for a reason and gifts are given to be used not to be hidden away in a closet collecting dust (that would be an insult to any gift-giver). And while your at it, come support our artists' hidden or not-so-hidden talents this Sunday at the Older Adult Centre in the basement of Square One Shopping Centre in Mississauga. Items may be sold, donations may be given (we are collecting goods for the Open Door) and missionaries may be assisted!


We all need encouragement and nurturing to cultivate and thrive in our fields!

Fearful Servant

I have always been a shy and self-conscious person and since I was a teenager I had always wanted to participate in missions trips. Every summer our church youth group would join others and go minister to those who were lost and did not know Christ. Whenever the trip was announced at church and kids were preparing fundraisers and such, my heart would race and my nerves would shake but I would never submit a form. Not once. In the fifteen years that I had an opportunity to accept God's challenge and follow His command, I always cowered in fear and shame. I gave myself excuses that I had too many bad habits, I was not good enough, I was too shy, I was too afraid of people and confrontations, I was too this and too that and not enough of this or that. But the truth was that I did not trust God enough to lead me and direct me; I was too fearful to hear His voice yelling at me to Go! My ears were not tuned to His frequency because I was not in a good relationship with Him. He was hearing my desires to go but I was not hearing His response (or I was but I was ignoring it because my fear was stronger than my faith). And each year, after each opportunity, I could just picture God lowering His magnificent head and shaking in disappointment.

I continue to pray that my life will be used to lead other to Christ and that it will be an example of His majesty and grace and I know that the Lord is still hearing me and doing work in me so that I will be useful to Him. Perhaps missions isn't in my life story (at least not at this time) but that doesn't mean that He can't use me and I can't evangelize for Him. I'll share a secret with you, since I was young I've always prayed that God would grant me certain 'qualities', I also prayed that God would make me different from others so that I would stand out. I admit that it was a selfish prayer but as I mentioned, I was a very insecure person growing up. I lived in the shadows, against the walls with the dust covered jackets of my only friends. 

As the years went by, I found that life was very trying - I was badly victimized by people, worldly temptations and myself and I am afflicted regularly with illness after disease after illness, my physical body being destroyed this way and that. I used to think, "Poor me! The world is not kind and God does not care. I am not good enough for Him to care about. Woe is me!" But as God would have it, I have finally heard Him and what I have heard is that He has been answering my prayers. He has made me different. Maybe not in the way that my child-self had wanted but different nonetheless. My life and my afflictions are my tools for evangelizing (and maybe for now, electronic communication is my outlet). As my relationship with my Father has deepened, I have learned to love my afflictions because they are my key to heaven if I use them to show that Christ's sacrifice on the Cross has led to the grace and mercy which is my only sustenance daily. If I did not know Christ as my Lord and Saviour, my life would be a pity and my thorns would not be a gift but because I do, they are. So just because I have yet to go on a missions trip, my life is not a waste because God has opened a door for me and while this door may be painful and troublesome to step through, it is my door and my prize is at the other side of it. 

*If you feel a tugging at your heartstrings when an opportunity arises, don't close the door just because you're not ready to step through. Pray that God will guide you through. And if you miss that opportunity, don't be in despair, pray for another door and pray that you will recognize that door in whatever form it may take. For in Matthew 24:14 Jesus said, "[the] gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come". BUT don't passively watch every door shut either for the end will come like a thief in the night and God has commissioned us all to spread His Word before that time. Let's all be active in sharing until that time, whenever and wherever we are... and however we can!

Lessons From A 2Yr Old

What's been most pressing/most present in my life right now? My daughter, Inaya. She is the youngest of my twin girls and although she is more advanced in many ways, right now she is proving to be more baby-like than her sister. God bless this child all the days of her life but the Lord knows how this child is testing me.
She seems to be easier to handle when others are around (yes, those that know her may laugh at this) but when it's just me, I am no longer myself, I am her attachment. When I sit, go to the kitchen or bathroom, when I lie down and when I pay attention to her sister, Iselah, you'll be certain to hear a, "no, no, me!" shortly after followed by finger pulling and mommy dragging. It is tiring with a capital T. And what's more frustrating than not having any break? Bouts of hour long crying and screaming and fighting and hitting. I love this child more than she'll ever know but sometimes it is so difficult and frustrating that I just want to walk away. But I can't. I can't because she would be utterly lost and helpless without me. She would not know what to do or not to do for her own sake and benefit. But most of all, I can't just walk away because she is my child and I love her. I created her from my body, she is a likeness of me, a part of me. If I were to turn my back on her it would be like turning my back on a part of my own heart. 
So I know I'll never walk away from her no matter what. I will need to teach her that she can't always hold my hand, she'll need to let go sometimes. I'll also need to teach her that when she does let go, she may fall or get hurt or become afraid but through the grace of God, she'll overcome it, and I'll be right there the whole time watching and if she needs, I'll hold her hand.
Isn't this how God feels about us? Isn't this what parenthood is supposed to show us, to give us a tiny clouded glimpse of how God Our Father feels for His children? Don't we cling to Him when we're helpless and needy and don't we kick and scream when things don't go our way? Does He not get hurt and tired and frustrated with our constant stubbornness and sinning? Didn't He give us commandments and commissions to get us through life? And As we grow, isn't He there in the sidelines watching us go through life waiting for us to call on Him? He may let go of our hand sometimes to teach us something but He never walks away from us. He wants us to live and learn and bring glory back to Him.
So I'll take a lesson from my Father and I'll raise my children the best that I can. In this phase of clingyness, I'll learn to trust that God will give me enough patience, love and strength and I'll try to teach Inaya that if she lets go, I'll still be close enough that she need not be afraid.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Time is ticking away. Life is fleeting.

My artificial heart valve has the lifespan of 10-15 years. I have already done 8 months, just. like. that. (insert finger snap here).

How will I spend the rest of my time until then?

Long Overdue Thank You

Dear prayer warriors,

First I would like to apologize for I know that this email is long,
long overdue. Life has just gotten in the way and I have been unable
to find the time and the words to write. I know that is a poor and
shallow excuse but it is the truth. Please forgive me.

I would like to thank all of you for the love, support and especially
prayers that you have sent my way during these last few years. When I
was sick I was beyond grateful for your support. It was a wonderful
feeling to know that I had people out there, some that I had never
even met before, praying for me and my family. It was a blessing to
have friends and family helping me out with the kids and spending time
with us. It was eye-opening to see how far God's hand stretches out.
People were praying for me across the world and back again. Along with
daily visits, I was getting phone calls, cards, emails and posts on
Facebook not only from loved ones but also from people worldwide who
knew someone that knew someone that knew me...and they loved me too.

Before I had my surgery, I saw God's love through His people. After my
surgery, I saw God's power through prayer.

For those who don't know, last year when you were praying for the
healing of my heart not only were your prayers healing my heart, they
were saving my life. When the surgeon opened me up to replace my
aortic valve, he found that there was a tear in my ascending aorta
that had repaired itself. The surgery was meant to take four hours but
it took seven because of this new revelation; they had to replace the
area that had torn because the walls had worn thin and were very
fragile. After my surgery when I was talking to the surgeon and
cardiologist, they said that they had no idea when this tear had
occurred nor why. It was eventually found that I had a heart infection
which weakened the area but that is all that they knew. They say it's
still a mystery as to how and when this happened and how I survived
it.

It may be a mystery to them as to how I survived my aorta ripping open
but I know (I Know) that it is because I had so many wonderful saints
praying for me. God is listening to you when you pray and He is using
you in many ways, in the light and in the dark. Keep on praying my
brothers and sisters!

I thank Jesus Christ for your lives and I thank you for your love! You
are all my angels here on earth.


With all of my love,
Emily Faith Edralin Karim

Blessed Assurance

I suffer from Manic Depression otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. I have for a very long time. I go through stages of wild euphoria where I feel like I can take on the world, I need no sleep and I have little to no control over silliness like my shopping sprees. I also go through terrible phases of anxiety and irritability and anger. That's the mania. Then there are stages at the complete other end of the spectrum when I am so lethargic that my skin feel like the weight of the world and I have to fight every urge to stay in bed and ignore my motherly responsibilities. And when I do manage to get out of bed, it takes an eternity to realize that someone is talking to me or something is happening around me because my senses are not functioning properly. My mind fades to elsewhere and my eyes unfocus until it seems that my mind and my body are now separate entities. I've overcome the low self-esteem aspect of the disease but I suffer from great, overwhelming sadness. A sadness that envelops me from the tips of my toes to the hairs on my head. A sadness that comes from nowhere and everywhere, so heavy is the burden that my mind can't contain it. My heart, my soul and my mind fight hard to retain lordship over their kingdoms but sometimes not even in the realm of sleep do they find restoration to suffice their needs.

Anyhow, maybe I'll share more of that world on a later date. The whole point of me sharing such raw truthfulness with you (though it be small in details) is this, I've been suffering from this since I was eleven. That was the first time I experienced any symptoms of a disorder. I've overcome many debilitating circumstances and I've survived many self-destructive episodes. It is only through the grace and mercy of the cross that I am still here on this earth. And today, I find myself once again in a battle of wills between my self that desires life and joy and perseverance and my self that desires nothing but nothing.

As I was reading an article titled "Wisdom for the Trials of Life" by Charles F. Stanley I came into the section where he writes about God's purposes of trials. One part that bellowed in my ears was where he focuses on trials producing endurance. He states that this is a quality God desires in His children and he says this, "[endurance] may not be what we desire when suffering knocks on our door. But the Lord knows that some lessons are learned only under the pressure of adversity. Yet even then, He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial. Although we may think we can't endure it, He knows our limits and will not go beyond them. The kind of endurance God wants for us is not resignation in which we grumble, saying, "Well, I can't do anything to change my situation, so I guess I'm stuck with it." His goal is that we patiently abide the trial with an attitude of unfailing trust in His goodness and complete reliance upon His strength." This is an old lesson that I was taught even when I was just in Sunday School.

It is easy to remind myself that God won't give me anything I can't handle but it is another thing to live like it. Even though I know this fact and even though I believe it, sometimes when I am going through hardships, especially emotionally, it is so easy to live in denial of God's sovereignty. I like that part where Mr. Stanley wrote, "He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial" because he uses the word Protect. Sometimes when I find myself in a place where no man can follow, I can remind myself that I am wrapped in His blanket of protection and that this adversity, like all the others, is only for a time and I can endure it.

"There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace."

                                                           Ecclesiastes 3

He also states that God determines the intensity of each trial. For some reason this really struck me today, I guess because these phases of mania and depression vary in intensity and before I truly came to know the Lord, they used to knock me right off of my feet and then bind me to the floor. But now, I can rest assured that these levels of intensity are controlled. And it's funny that I am reminded of this now because it feels as if my feet are on thin ice. 

Isn't His timing perfect and isn't His goodness so sweet?

JRM

This morning I woke up at 3:15 because of a bad dream (don't ask, I cannot speak of it ever) so I got up and went to sleep with the girls in their bed. Then this morning at nine, I woke up and took the girls to have breakfast and as I was feeding them I started feeling melancholy. I thought at first that it was because they woke up pulling each other's hair and screaming but that doesn't normally make me want to shut the world out and curl up into a ball to cry and yet, that's what I felt like doing. So in attempts to fight this feeling, I grabbed my Iphone, plugged in my headphones and started to wash the dishes. But what should be the first song to play? "May Angels Lead You In" a beautiful song by Jimmy Eat World. I love this song but today it hit a painful chord with me and I just started crying as I washed the dishes. My DH was about to step out of the house to buy milk when he saw me at the beginnings of the waterfall and when he asked me what was wrong, I couldn't answer honestly because I did not know. So I said stress but that wasn't it. I didn't know what it was...maybe my period...

Anyhow, if anyone doesn't know, the song is about a person who has passed away and the regrets that the singer has for things not said or done. Usually when songs like this play I think of my mother but today it didn't feel right reflecting on her for some reason. And then I realized that it is the death anniversary of my dear friend, Jeff.

Ten years ago, I was a completely different person living a completely different life from today. I had different friends as well. Some I am still close with, some are more of acquaintances now and some I don't ever see or hear from. That's just the way that life works I know but there are some friends who's strings were cut on a very specific day, this day, ten years ago. A lot of hurt was buried away that day and I know for myself, that they were not spoken of again. Not for a long time.

Out of all of our friends I knew Jeff for the shortest amount of time, everyone else had years on me. But Jeff and I had a private bond, our health problems. After a couple of years of hanging out, just months before he died, we realized how good we could be for one another and as if out of nowhere, we were waking each other up, getting each other out of bed and forcing ourselves to look another day in the face. He was often the slap in the face that I needed and I loved him for that. We began to hang out daily and support each other in many ways. I would go with him to his hospital appointments and he would come to mine. He showed me the scars that he had never shown anyone else save his family. He trusted me with his deepest secrets and thoughts as I did and we both knew that our new found friendship was on borrowed time. We just didn't know how short it was.

On the day that he died, he was at Just Desserts waiting for me. We were supposed to have coffee.

I'll never forget that day. It is forever burned into my heart and my soul.

I never showed up.

He waited for hours for me and I had forgotten. I was at my boyfriend's house when our friend James called me and told me that he went to meet Jeff and...

I should have been there.

...

My husband tells me that maybe things turned out this way so that I would never forget him. It would be my special connection to Jeff. Maybe. I don't think Jeff would have wanted me hanging on to this forever. I like to think that he has forgiven me for standing him up. Even so, it will always be a burden I'll carry and I carry it willingly. For it has taught me that we should never make promises we can't keep. We should cherish each moment and each person that God has placed in our lives and we should try to make each moment count. Don't ever forget your "hellos", your "thank yous" or your "I love yous". Kiss people. Hold hands. Smile.

When someone needs you, be there. When you can't be, pray.

Remember your parents and grandparents. Remember your family and friends.

Ask people what you can do for them.

Look people in the face when you speak to them and remember their faces. Then before you go to bed at night, think about all of the smiles or frowns that you saw and pray for them.

Don't live a life of regret. Find peace and grace.

Find God before it's too late.

Let's Keep Going!

On this day three years ago, we made a vow to be each other's one and only forever. We promised to never let each other go through the good, the bad and the ugly. During the sunny days, it is your face I see glowing in the sunlight. During the grey and foggy days, it is your hand holding mine and guiding me when I can't see. And during the tumultuous storms, eclipses and stumbles into the very deepest pits of heartache and pain, when it seems as if the whole of the world has been utterly abandoned, it will still be you and I holding hands, looking up into the heavens while falling humbly on our knees just as we did when our adventure first began.

Our marriage hasn't been easy peasy. Our journey isn't light and dreamy. Our path is jagged and messy, lined with crags and crevices, mountains and vales, lush forests and dry deserts. Sometimes we may feel dehydrated, cold and afraid and we may wonder whether we took the right path after all but then there are the other days, the beautiful days, when we are so full of pleasures and joys overflowing that tell us, yes we did. I know I can be a very difficult woman to be with. I know I easily overreact, over emphasize and over analyze. I come jampacked with problems and I bear a heavy load wherever I go, completely unhinged and riddled with scars. I would think that no sane man would even consider trusting the rest of his life to a sickly neurotic like me. And yet here you are and here you did. Not only are you here but you've learned to calm me and neutralize me. And no matter how much we fight or how different our views may be on things you never make me feel like you don't want me. By the grace of God, you've tamed the lion inside of me and for all the days of my life, I can rest easy in knowing that we are purposed for each other.

Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the beautiful family that you have given me.

I hope we still have a long road ahead of us because there's still so much that I want to experience and learn with you. And when our children are grown and have families of their own, I look forward to one day being that old couple doing nothing but sitting on a bench holding hands just because.

May the Lord continue to dwell in our home and bless us with more love and deeper love.

Let's keep going my love! We still have more cars to chase!

It's A Brand New Day (Year)

So it's 2:34 am on January 1st, 2012. Wow! 2012.

When most people are either out partying the night away or are snug in their beds dreaming of all the possibilities a brand new year comes with I am, or was until 5 minutes ago, lying in between a fevering husband with chills that could give the night cold a run for its money and two kids with a stomach bug. I am trying to sleep but constantly find myself checking on the three of them while also trying to hold down my own nausea and ignore my own  upset stomach.

Anyway, while trying to tire myself out, I start thinking about the girls being in school (a fantasy I often visit) but in this one, I have to pick them up early because they're not feeling well and are throwing up in the classroom. So I go to retrieve them and as we're walking to the car I suddenly realize that I no longer have my driver's license (true fact) and my daydream comes to a sudden halt. Then it switches to me being at the DMV taking my G2 test and the guy testing me is asking why I lost my license. Sigh. So I go into this whole shpiel of failing my G, getting married, getting pregnant, my mom getting cancer, me having twins, my mom dying and then me getting sick while having to care for the babies. It takes the entire duration of the test for me to finish my tale and by the end of it, we're both choked up and sitting in the parking lot trying to compose ourselves. He's talking now, wishing he could take me out for coffee after I tell him that I didn't even care whether I got my license or not, I just needed to get some air, some me time. He then asks me if there's anything he that he could do for me and I say...

 "Pray for me. Whether you're a religious man or not, pray for me, my health and my family and also love. Love more." And he asks me what I mean and I tell him that the world's love deposit is drying up and very few people even realize it. They feel something lacking but they don't know what. God is love. Love is God. We are called to be like Christ and so like love but we are not love. I tell him to love big. Love his loved ones more. Love his friends and acquaintences. Love those he hates or can't stand or those who annoy him to no end. Love strangers. I tell him that I tell my husband (which I haven't but I will) who has terrible road rage that whenever he gets angry at a bad driver and calls them an idiot or a jerk, to intentionally think that maybe that man's wife is dying of cancer and he's so brokenhearted and doesn't know what he's doing anymore and his mind is so distracted that for a moment, he forgot the speed or to put on his lights. Or maybe you're in a restaurant or a cafe and there's one person sitting at a table by herself and obviously not eating or drinking anymore and you're standing there with your food or drink and maybe with your kids waiting to get a seat and your staring at her hoping to pierce her soul with your angry glare and move her to get up. But all the while, she's not moving because she has a serious health condition, say a heart condition, and she wants to move but she just can't. She doesn't have the strength to, she's just so tired and she has no one to call for help so she needs to pace herself and take it slow. Or maybe you see a drug addicted prostitute on the street who reeks of alcohol and you think to yourself, how does one let themselves get to that point or how can I pass by without her noticing me? But you don't know that that person was let go of work for health reasons and was denied government help because her family income was too high but her husband was a cruel man who made her start doing things to make more money and gave her drugs to ease the pain of it all. But when she became addicted, he took her kids and left her. She has nowhere else to go and this poor woman is suffering from serious depression, each day is a battle to not jump off a bridge or overdose on some narcotic. Her life is so upside down and broken. She sees life through shattered glass and no matter what she does, she can't fit the pieces back together again because they're just not all there anymore. She's not all there anymore. And while you're looking at her thinking one of the dozens of things you could be thinking, inside her pocket, she's holding a syringe to her with far too high of a dosage of whatever it is inside of it. She's standing at the mouth of the beast seconds away from giving herself freely when all she needs is just a little more love.

I tell this to the man and  I tell this to all of you. My knowledge of things is very limited. I wish I could call myself a wise old sage, because that sounds so cool, but I'm not. My experiences in life are very limited so when I write, it is because it is something pressing strongly on my heart to be set free. And on this morning, I tell you a small part of my story and I reveal a small portion of my thoughts and I say this, "Love more this year. Love freely. Love unconditionally and love BIG! This world is all dried up of real love, you can see it in our governments, in our media, in the ever unrelenting poverty. People don't know what love is anymore. They think that thinking or obsessing over a person is love. They think that sex is love. Our kids are growing up and learning love from Rhianna, who shows us that love is having someone to hold your hand while your popping pills and getting doped up. That's not love. We have Bruno Mars telling us that it's cool to get married when you're bored and looking for something stupid to do and they can just "fix it all up" in the morning. That's not love. We have hundreds of celebrities marrying and divorcing, dating every person they "feel a connection" with on screen, regardless of whether that person is married or has a family. We have governments making war on other countries, militia raping and killing their own people, adults taking advantage of kids to make a buck or fulfill a dark fantasy. What if any of these things were happening to your child? Or your sister or brother? Would you stand for it? What if one day, you're the one in the car distracted because your baby is in the backseat throwing up and choking and you're panicking while driving like a maniac? Would you not be unintentionally thinking that people should be understanding, caring and gracious... and getting out of your way!?" We don't know what people are going through just as they don't know what we are going through but what if we all started to care a little bit more about that? What do you think would happen?

God called us out of this darkness to be His light. Yes, one person can make a difference. In any given instant, your actions or reactions can start a whole chain of events, whether you are aware of them of not. You being patient with the man who was given the embarrassing task of ordering 24 coffees or not belittling the customer service rep who has taken 30 calls within the last hour and has had countless customers berate him as if their broken thingymajiger was his fault can make a huge difference. You can help someone go home and say, "Well today wasn't so bad afterall". I don't believe in coincidences, you can argue that all you like, but for every event in my life that I can accurately recollect, that event has had some other purpose or involvement in some other situation. And those are only things that I can actively remember or think of. Every momentous event, be it a good event, a bad event or a terribly stupid one, has resurfaced. God doesn't allow us to suffer or experience joy just for the heck of it.

Anyhow, it's 3:39 am and my mind is starting to wander and the computer screen is starting to dance so I'll get to my point if I haven't already made it clear:

In this new year, let's all try to actively love and love out loud.

It's not a new idea or anything but let's try to fulfill it anyway =)

Happy New Year everyone and may this year be filled with blessings, answered prayers and mostly, more of God!

P.S. Yes, I really don't have my license because of the aforementioned chain of events....