JRM

This morning I woke up at 3:15 because of a bad dream (don't ask, I cannot speak of it ever) so I got up and went to sleep with the girls in their bed. Then this morning at nine, I woke up and took the girls to have breakfast and as I was feeding them I started feeling melancholy. I thought at first that it was because they woke up pulling each other's hair and screaming but that doesn't normally make me want to shut the world out and curl up into a ball to cry and yet, that's what I felt like doing. So in attempts to fight this feeling, I grabbed my Iphone, plugged in my headphones and started to wash the dishes. But what should be the first song to play? "May Angels Lead You In" a beautiful song by Jimmy Eat World. I love this song but today it hit a painful chord with me and I just started crying as I washed the dishes. My DH was about to step out of the house to buy milk when he saw me at the beginnings of the waterfall and when he asked me what was wrong, I couldn't answer honestly because I did not know. So I said stress but that wasn't it. I didn't know what it was...maybe my period...

Anyhow, if anyone doesn't know, the song is about a person who has passed away and the regrets that the singer has for things not said or done. Usually when songs like this play I think of my mother but today it didn't feel right reflecting on her for some reason. And then I realized that it is the death anniversary of my dear friend, Jeff.

Ten years ago, I was a completely different person living a completely different life from today. I had different friends as well. Some I am still close with, some are more of acquaintances now and some I don't ever see or hear from. That's just the way that life works I know but there are some friends who's strings were cut on a very specific day, this day, ten years ago. A lot of hurt was buried away that day and I know for myself, that they were not spoken of again. Not for a long time.

Out of all of our friends I knew Jeff for the shortest amount of time, everyone else had years on me. But Jeff and I had a private bond, our health problems. After a couple of years of hanging out, just months before he died, we realized how good we could be for one another and as if out of nowhere, we were waking each other up, getting each other out of bed and forcing ourselves to look another day in the face. He was often the slap in the face that I needed and I loved him for that. We began to hang out daily and support each other in many ways. I would go with him to his hospital appointments and he would come to mine. He showed me the scars that he had never shown anyone else save his family. He trusted me with his deepest secrets and thoughts as I did and we both knew that our new found friendship was on borrowed time. We just didn't know how short it was.

On the day that he died, he was at Just Desserts waiting for me. We were supposed to have coffee.

I'll never forget that day. It is forever burned into my heart and my soul.

I never showed up.

He waited for hours for me and I had forgotten. I was at my boyfriend's house when our friend James called me and told me that he went to meet Jeff and...

I should have been there.

...

My husband tells me that maybe things turned out this way so that I would never forget him. It would be my special connection to Jeff. Maybe. I don't think Jeff would have wanted me hanging on to this forever. I like to think that he has forgiven me for standing him up. Even so, it will always be a burden I'll carry and I carry it willingly. For it has taught me that we should never make promises we can't keep. We should cherish each moment and each person that God has placed in our lives and we should try to make each moment count. Don't ever forget your "hellos", your "thank yous" or your "I love yous". Kiss people. Hold hands. Smile.

When someone needs you, be there. When you can't be, pray.

Remember your parents and grandparents. Remember your family and friends.

Ask people what you can do for them.

Look people in the face when you speak to them and remember their faces. Then before you go to bed at night, think about all of the smiles or frowns that you saw and pray for them.

Don't live a life of regret. Find peace and grace.

Find God before it's too late.