And life goes on

I just woke up from a strange dream that got me thinking. I can barely open my eyes but sleep is gone from me so I figured I'd capture my dream before I lose that too.

In this dream, my sister, Sarah, and I find ourselves wandering around a hotel/convention centre and we are I guess mistaken for other people or caught in the rapt of some big commotion. Anyhow, we soon find ourselves dressed in glamorous clothes, I in a silver gown (which is funny because I loathe silver) and Sarah in a black one. The dresses are beautiful  although our hair and shoes and makeup are all drab. We are then thrown onto a large stage. It appears that we are on an awards show of some sort in the Philippines and then it turns out it's  the Golden Globes. So we're standing on stage with a crowd of people who seem to be extras on set and we just do what they do. Some people are singing and there's dancing, the way filings do. Then a break comes and we're all sent to the "green room", which isn't green in case you're visualizing with me. We're sitting on a  round bench just watching what's going on around us and wondering how the heck we got there and we're looking at our shoes wondering why they didn't give us new shoes.

So we just sit and sit. People are passing by totally unaware that we don't belong. Some making weird passes at us and some just looking but nothing unseemly. We get up and walk for a bit then go back to our seats. A couple of individuals introduce themselves and notice we don't have passes like them but they don't say anything about it. And then "Sara Sidel" from CSI comes up to us asking for our passes. We unintentionally ignore her questions because of who she is (being nothing but excited about it) and she gets angry saying we're mocking her. She then begins to kick out intruders and spotlights us. We try to explain that we didn't mean to be there and didn't even know how we got there but of course it all sound like an excuse.

And that's essentially the end of it. Haha to the rest unmentioned in between. 

Anyway, this dream got me thinking...

Don't you feel that sometimes or at some time in life, you got swept up in a current and found yourself just going with the flow just because that's where are. You feel a little dazed and a little confused but don't really know where else to go or what else to do so you just stay right there. You appear to be in the right place but your shoes don't match. And you can feel people looking but they don't say anything so you don't know what to take from it. Then all of a sudden someone or something stops you in the flow and knocks you right out of it. You find yourself in still waters.

The dream ends. You're feeling a bit out of sorts, wondering, "What the heck just happened?" And then life continues. But now what?

Roid Rage

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want to scream until your lungs collapse and the littlest sound of anyone's voice makes you want to snap and yet, at the same time, you want to hide in a closet, fall on the floor and cry until you empty yourself out? That was me today. In fact, I am presently sitting in a closet typing this out because I have no other way to let out all of my wild, uncontrollable emotions. I feel angry, spastic, temperamental and frustrated. I feel anxious, sad, lonely and wrung-out. I feel claustrophobic yet alone. I feel crazy!

I must confess now that the major, though not entire, cause of this emotional and mental kerflugenflagam (yeah I just typed out letters there) is that I am on a series of steroids right now, Prednisone, to be exact. I am on a 6-week cycle of the drug to help get my Crohn's Disease back in check. I have got one week down, five to go, and the drug works wonders I tell you. I love going on them because they work so fast in calming things down but for every magic spell, there are consequences... The minor ones being, I am hungry more and gaining weight FAST. The major one being THE RAGE! I feel like the Hulk, the littlest thing sets me off, I have no patience and I feel like I could go days without sleeping even though my body is crying for me to. I hate this feeling. I hate being snappy and irritable and upset. I hate having no outlet for it. I hate having no peace and quiet, no freedom, no alone time to just calm myself. No "serenity now" for me. I am trying to get used to a new living situation. I am trying to get my children to settle nicely without continuously asking to go home. I am trying to make myself feel at home and comfortable. But it doesn't help that I have to do all of this by myself and while feeling like this. All I want to do is lock myself in this closet and hide here until it all goes away.

But I can't.

So.... what do I do?

I yell and scream in my head. I cry in my heart. And I fall to my knees and pray to God that He will be my strength and that He will lead me to calm waters. I need the Lord's calm waters. I need His grace and mercy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I need my Rock to keep me steady during this tumultuous time. (I'm not even kidding, it is tumultuous. If you've ever been on 'roids of any kind, you know how it can mess you up and if you haven't, then I'm sure you've heard stories. - Sorry for the rant there.)

...I also need my kids to calm the heck down so I can sit down for more than two minutes at a time. But that's another challenge for another time.

Anyway, thanks for listening! xoxo