Fearful Servant

I have always been a shy and self-conscious person and since I was a teenager I had always wanted to participate in missions trips. Every summer our church youth group would join others and go minister to those who were lost and did not know Christ. Whenever the trip was announced at church and kids were preparing fundraisers and such, my heart would race and my nerves would shake but I would never submit a form. Not once. In the fifteen years that I had an opportunity to accept God's challenge and follow His command, I always cowered in fear and shame. I gave myself excuses that I had too many bad habits, I was not good enough, I was too shy, I was too afraid of people and confrontations, I was too this and too that and not enough of this or that. But the truth was that I did not trust God enough to lead me and direct me; I was too fearful to hear His voice yelling at me to Go! My ears were not tuned to His frequency because I was not in a good relationship with Him. He was hearing my desires to go but I was not hearing His response (or I was but I was ignoring it because my fear was stronger than my faith). And each year, after each opportunity, I could just picture God lowering His magnificent head and shaking in disappointment.

I continue to pray that my life will be used to lead other to Christ and that it will be an example of His majesty and grace and I know that the Lord is still hearing me and doing work in me so that I will be useful to Him. Perhaps missions isn't in my life story (at least not at this time) but that doesn't mean that He can't use me and I can't evangelize for Him. I'll share a secret with you, since I was young I've always prayed that God would grant me certain 'qualities', I also prayed that God would make me different from others so that I would stand out. I admit that it was a selfish prayer but as I mentioned, I was a very insecure person growing up. I lived in the shadows, against the walls with the dust covered jackets of my only friends. 

As the years went by, I found that life was very trying - I was badly victimized by people, worldly temptations and myself and I am afflicted regularly with illness after disease after illness, my physical body being destroyed this way and that. I used to think, "Poor me! The world is not kind and God does not care. I am not good enough for Him to care about. Woe is me!" But as God would have it, I have finally heard Him and what I have heard is that He has been answering my prayers. He has made me different. Maybe not in the way that my child-self had wanted but different nonetheless. My life and my afflictions are my tools for evangelizing (and maybe for now, electronic communication is my outlet). As my relationship with my Father has deepened, I have learned to love my afflictions because they are my key to heaven if I use them to show that Christ's sacrifice on the Cross has led to the grace and mercy which is my only sustenance daily. If I did not know Christ as my Lord and Saviour, my life would be a pity and my thorns would not be a gift but because I do, they are. So just because I have yet to go on a missions trip, my life is not a waste because God has opened a door for me and while this door may be painful and troublesome to step through, it is my door and my prize is at the other side of it. 

*If you feel a tugging at your heartstrings when an opportunity arises, don't close the door just because you're not ready to step through. Pray that God will guide you through. And if you miss that opportunity, don't be in despair, pray for another door and pray that you will recognize that door in whatever form it may take. For in Matthew 24:14 Jesus said, "[the] gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come". BUT don't passively watch every door shut either for the end will come like a thief in the night and God has commissioned us all to spread His Word before that time. Let's all be active in sharing until that time, whenever and wherever we are... and however we can!

Lessons From A 2Yr Old

What's been most pressing/most present in my life right now? My daughter, Inaya. She is the youngest of my twin girls and although she is more advanced in many ways, right now she is proving to be more baby-like than her sister. God bless this child all the days of her life but the Lord knows how this child is testing me.
She seems to be easier to handle when others are around (yes, those that know her may laugh at this) but when it's just me, I am no longer myself, I am her attachment. When I sit, go to the kitchen or bathroom, when I lie down and when I pay attention to her sister, Iselah, you'll be certain to hear a, "no, no, me!" shortly after followed by finger pulling and mommy dragging. It is tiring with a capital T. And what's more frustrating than not having any break? Bouts of hour long crying and screaming and fighting and hitting. I love this child more than she'll ever know but sometimes it is so difficult and frustrating that I just want to walk away. But I can't. I can't because she would be utterly lost and helpless without me. She would not know what to do or not to do for her own sake and benefit. But most of all, I can't just walk away because she is my child and I love her. I created her from my body, she is a likeness of me, a part of me. If I were to turn my back on her it would be like turning my back on a part of my own heart. 
So I know I'll never walk away from her no matter what. I will need to teach her that she can't always hold my hand, she'll need to let go sometimes. I'll also need to teach her that when she does let go, she may fall or get hurt or become afraid but through the grace of God, she'll overcome it, and I'll be right there the whole time watching and if she needs, I'll hold her hand.
Isn't this how God feels about us? Isn't this what parenthood is supposed to show us, to give us a tiny clouded glimpse of how God Our Father feels for His children? Don't we cling to Him when we're helpless and needy and don't we kick and scream when things don't go our way? Does He not get hurt and tired and frustrated with our constant stubbornness and sinning? Didn't He give us commandments and commissions to get us through life? And As we grow, isn't He there in the sidelines watching us go through life waiting for us to call on Him? He may let go of our hand sometimes to teach us something but He never walks away from us. He wants us to live and learn and bring glory back to Him.
So I'll take a lesson from my Father and I'll raise my children the best that I can. In this phase of clingyness, I'll learn to trust that God will give me enough patience, love and strength and I'll try to teach Inaya that if she lets go, I'll still be close enough that she need not be afraid.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Time is ticking away. Life is fleeting.

My artificial heart valve has the lifespan of 10-15 years. I have already done 8 months, just. like. that. (insert finger snap here).

How will I spend the rest of my time until then?