Monday, 18 November 2013

Pedophiles call for same rights as homosexuals

I don't go on Facebook very often these days but today I came across an article that my cousin shared:

it-begins-pedophiles-call-for-same-rights-as-homosexuals , and upon reading it, I felt as if my worst nightmare was coming into fruition.

As I sit here and watch my children run around and play, as I sit here and stare at their beautiful faces and take in their childish manners, I shudder at the thought of people out there advocating to rob them of their innocence. How can anyone look at a child and think that it is okay to take anything from them when they don't even have the capability of fully understanding what is happening to them? As a mother and a victim, I can attest that I have spent numerous nights tossing and turning and weeping because I had had a dream about my child being hurt and abused in some way. I have been abused in lesser degrees than many others and still I cannot and will not tolerate history repeating itself through my children or any other child I have responsibility over, moreover, I cannot condone anything worse happening to them.

In this article from the Northern Colorado Gazette, there are many horrific statements made in regards to pedophilia becoming a simple sexual orientation. One is "that the 'negative potential' of adult sex with children was 'overstated' and that the 'vast majority' of both men and women reported no negative sexual effects from childhood sexual abuse experiences." I'm sorry but the vast majority is not the entirety and how would anyone feel if it was their child who failed to make the vast majority list? What if your child became mentally unstable, a recluse, failed to maintain normal relationships, became an abuser his/herself or even committed suicide because their mind failed to accept sexual abuse as being okay? From a very personal standpoint I can argue this statement until my heart grows weary and my lungs collapse. I was abused as a child, a teenager and a young adult and each abuse snowballed and each abuse caused it's own break in the fabrication of my mental stability. Sometimes the effect is mental, sometimes it is physical and always, it is emotional. It took many, many for the pain from each abuse to fade and even now, having a family and a loving husband, sometimes, the past creeps in like a poisonous viper and paralyzes me from the inside out, even if just for a moment. I have also known people from different spectrums of life that can testify that any sexual conduct, regardless of how big or little, is etched in their brain forever until they die. Perhaps it doesn't affect their sex life later on, though I know it can, it will affect them as a person, how well they trust people and relationships, how well they adapt in social atmospheres and how they develop mentally. How many autobiographies have I read about people who were abused as a child and struggled to find normalcy in their adulthood? Countless, almost every single one. Actually, this makes me realize, if I have heard so many personal stories and have read so many books about detrimental child abuse and according to a study, the vast majority isn't negatively sexually affected, then there must be a countless number of people who have been abused and never voiced or reported it or reported it untruthfully. This is a sad, sad thought. Abuse is Abuse no matter how one looks at it. How can one put the words 'overstated' and 'abuse' in the same statement and think that it can be justified, especially with children?

Another statement made by psychologist, Van Gijseghem is: Pedophiles are not simply people who commit a small offense from time to time but rather are grappling with what is eqiuvalent to a sexual orientation just like another individual may be grappling with hetersexuality or even homosexuality.

It is never a 'small offense' to take advantage of a minor who is unable to stand up and protect him/herself, whether it's rape or petting. The fact that these people are comparing pedophilia to homosexuality enrages me; it is not at all like someone struggling with hetero or homosexuality. Homosexuals did not fight for rights to manipulate or abuse another being, they fought for the right to have consensual sexual relations with a member of the same sex. A child will never be in a consensual sexual relationship with an adult because they are not mentally capable of knowing or understanding what a sexual relationship even is. A child who is touched in the wrong place will most likely not say anything at the moment it is happening because s/he doesn't even know what is happening until later on and if the child is a little older, even though they don't know why this abuse is happening, they know that something feels wrong about it. In a heterosexual or homosexual relation, the involved parties are mentally mature enough to know what is happening. A man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman are both in agreement of a sexual relation. Even in a worst case scenario where it is not consensual, an adult of any sex, is mentally capable of addressing the situation before them and God willing, able to make a personal decision as to whether any action takes place and take action based on that decision. Rape is rape, regardless of age, but to rape a child is monstrous.

In regards to pedophilia being a sexual orientation, sure okay maybe it's something that can't be changed, but it still robs another person of their own rights, it abuses another person, a child and it should remain illegal. As my husband stated, just like with the act of rape itself, some people like to take it by force, that is their fetish, so should we legalize rape just because these rapists can't help themselves? I like to think that no one in this world would condone this. But then, what is the difference when an adult takes it from a child who is not strong enough mentally or physically to put up any sort of defence.

Linda Harvey, of Mission America, states that the push for pedophiles to have equal rights is "...all part of a plan to introduce sex to children at younger and younger ages..." Why? We already know that kids as young as 11 or twelve are already sexually active, basically, if a child has reached puberty, they will be sexually curious. To what purpose is there in introducing it earlier and earlier? It is hard enough to keep children innocent these days, why are people trying to steal this away from them even more so? We are given only a few minor years of just playing and doing childish things, living with no responsibility and very little consequences, even adults say that they wish they didn't grow up so fast. How many people say, "I wish I was a kid again or my favorite memory is of when I was 5 or 16 [or whatever age it was] and we went camping and I caught a big, big fish"? Who are we to rob someone of that time? What person, even one who was sexually active at a young age, has looked back at their childhood and has said, "Oh that [sexual encounter] is my most fond memory"? It is incredulous. Even if the child we are looking at is a teenager, we all know that the teenage years are tumultuous, bad decisions are made left, right and center; that's why kids are meant to live with their parents until they are adults and are able to make logical, wise and mature decisions. We adults are meant to rear and protect the young ones because they need it. They need to be taught right from wrong. They need to be taught their rights. Sex is so multi-faceted, it affects the very core of a person's being, every aspect of their life. It is our most valued treasure and gift, and having said that, it is a gift to be given to another person, if not affectionately, at least willingly, and not taken by force or manipulation.

The IASHS lists, on its website, a list of “basic sexual rights” that includes “the right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve nonconsensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion or fraud.”

Granted, I am not an expert in the law nor do I claim to be but I cannot understand how they can say that pedophiles who, earlier in the article, are claimed to have commited abuses and offenses have a right to our children to engage in sexual acts with them. Would you consent to giving your child to a neighbour who has the intent of having sex with him or her? Would your child consent to it? If your child did consent to having sex with an adult, do you believe that that child knows what he or she is actually consenting to? No. The answer is and always will be No because this is a child we are talking about. A child: a young human being; an immature or irresponsible person; a person who has little or no personal experience in a matter. Let's not do this to our young ones just to acquiesce someone's sexual gratification. This is not equal rights. What about the rights of the child? What about our rights, legal and God-given, as parents and as citizens? Will we no longer be able to rely on the law to protect our children? What kind of future are we creating for ourselves and our offspring? Let these sex offenders challenge the law but for the sake of all of our children, do not let them change it.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


It's been three days and I can't seem to shake this fit. I just want to lay in bed and drown in my blankets and pillows. I want to hold my babies and make them stay in bed with me forever where it's soft and safe.

When I lay in bed I float into and among the clouds but I don't feel free. I feel...translucid. I feel like I'm moving in between, within and without. I feel like everything that my physical body perceives is taken in and diffused until it becomes nothing. Nothing. Meaning nothing. Nothing means anything but everything. I hear their voices, their footsteps, their movements. I feel the cold, the heat, their breath. I smell them. Their skin. Their breath. Their hair. And I want to   get up. Just get up. But I can't. I can. I won't. I will. I will.

But when I lay in bed, she's here again. She's real and I can feel her and touch her and hear her voice. She touches me like she never will again. We can talk and laugh and cry together. She can comb my hair and hold my hands and kiss me. She's here with me and I don't want to leave her. When she left, I wasn't there and I can never forgive myself for that. So how can I leave her now? I know I must and I know that I will. But why can't I hold the sun up as high as I can where I can for as long as I can? If I can feel her warmth for just a little longer, can't I?

I know it's just my comforter. Can't I just pretend a little longer?

Monday, 14 January 2013


Today I feel like my eyes refuse to stay open. They're heavy and dry and rebellious. They reflect my heart. I guess it's just one of those days where yellow is too yellow and seasoned chicken tastes like dry toast. The silverware is staring at me relentlessly like stone cold anarchists refusing to do their job. But I'm sure it's probably me.

I don't know what happened. I was perfectly fine, perfectly. Then all of a sudden BAM! I was blinded my this same dang wretched demon that has been feasting on my soul for decades. He empties me out so fast that I don't even know he's there until he's already had his fill. When he feeds, it feels like hunger pangs. It feels like exhaustion. It feels like grief. It feels like failure. It feels like death. And the worst of it all is that after being familiar so intimately for so many years, each time that he comes to visit a part of me opens the door and says, "Ah there you are old fellow, where have you been for so long? Come, let's have a bite shall we?" And how can I not be inviting to such an old acquaintance, for one who was once considered a friend?

Gah. You know, today just wasn't a good day for a visit...

Monday, 15 October 2012

And life goes on

I just woke up from a strange dream that got me thinking. I can barely open my eyes but sleep is gone from me so I figured I'd capture my dream before I lose that too.

In this dream, my sister, Sarah, and I find ourselves wandering around a hotel/convention centre and we are I guess mistaken for other people or caught in the rapt of some big commotion. Anyhow, we soon find ourselves dressed in glamorous clothes, I in a silver gown (which is funny because I loathe silver) and Sarah in a black one. The dresses are beautiful  although our hair and shoes and makeup are all drab. We are then thrown onto a large stage. It appears that we are on an awards show of some sort in the Philippines and then it turns out it's  the Golden Globes. So we're standing on stage with a crowd of people who seem to be extras on set and we just do what they do. Some people are singing and there's dancing, the way filings do. Then a break comes and we're all sent to the "green room", which isn't green in case you're visualizing with me. We're sitting on a  round bench just watching what's going on around us and wondering how the heck we got there and we're looking at our shoes wondering why they didn't give us new shoes.

So we just sit and sit. People are passing by totally unaware that we don't belong. Some making weird passes at us and some just looking but nothing unseemly. We get up and walk for a bit then go back to our seats. A couple of individuals introduce themselves and notice we don't have passes like them but they don't say anything about it. And then "Sara Sidel" from CSI comes up to us asking for our passes. We unintentionally ignore her questions because of who she is (being nothing but excited about it) and she gets angry saying we're mocking her. She then begins to kick out intruders and spotlights us. We try to explain that we didn't mean to be there and didn't even know how we got there but of course it all sound like an excuse.

And that's essentially the end of it. Haha to the rest unmentioned in between. 

Anyway, this dream got me thinking...

Don't you feel that sometimes or at some time in life, you got swept up in a current and found yourself just going with the flow just because that's where are. You feel a little dazed and a little confused but don't really know where else to go or what else to do so you just stay right there. You appear to be in the right place but your shoes don't match. And you can feel people looking but they don't say anything so you don't know what to take from it. Then all of a sudden someone or something stops you in the flow and knocks you right out of it. You find yourself in still waters.

The dream ends. You're feeling a bit out of sorts, wondering, "What the heck just happened?" And then life continues. But now what?

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Roid Rage

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want to scream until your lungs collapse and the littlest sound of anyone's voice makes you want to snap and yet, at the same time, you want to hide in a closet, fall on the floor and cry until you empty yourself out? That was me today. In fact, I am presently sitting in a closet typing this out because I have no other way to let out all of my wild, uncontrollable emotions. I feel angry, spastic, temperamental and frustrated. I feel anxious, sad, lonely and wrung-out. I feel claustrophobic yet alone. I feel crazy!

I must confess now that the major, though not entire, cause of this emotional and mental kerflugenflagam (yeah I just typed out letters there) is that I am on a series of steroids right now, Prednisone, to be exact. I am on a 6-week cycle of the drug to help get my Crohn's Disease back in check. I have got one week down, five to go, and the drug works wonders I tell you. I love going on them because they work so fast in calming things down but for every magic spell, there are consequences... The minor ones being, I am hungry more and gaining weight FAST. The major one being THE RAGE! I feel like the Hulk, the littlest thing sets me off, I have no patience and I feel like I could go days without sleeping even though my body is crying for me to. I hate this feeling. I hate being snappy and irritable and upset. I hate having no outlet for it. I hate having no peace and quiet, no freedom, no alone time to just calm myself. No "serenity now" for me. I am trying to get used to a new living situation. I am trying to get my children to settle nicely without continuously asking to go home. I am trying to make myself feel at home and comfortable. But it doesn't help that I have to do all of this by myself and while feeling like this. All I want to do is lock myself in this closet and hide here until it all goes away.

But I can't.

So.... what do I do?

I yell and scream in my head. I cry in my heart. And I fall to my knees and pray to God that He will be my strength and that He will lead me to calm waters. I need the Lord's calm waters. I need His grace and mercy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I need my Rock to keep me steady during this tumultuous time. (I'm not even kidding, it is tumultuous. If you've ever been on 'roids of any kind, you know how it can mess you up and if you haven't, then I'm sure you've heard stories. - Sorry for the rant there.)

...I also need my kids to calm the heck down so I can sit down for more than two minutes at a time. But that's another challenge for another time.

Anyway, thanks for listening! xoxo

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I Got A Feeling

Today I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like this but the feelings are strong and true.

This morning started out pretty much the same as any other: me in the kids' room, having fallen asleep there after Inaya woke up crying before daylight. I was awakened by the delivery of very enthusiastic hugs, which is the norm and the rest of the day was routine as well: feeding, cleaning, changing, tickling and playing/reading on repeat and also cooking, cleaning, washing, folding and sweeping on repeat as well. I was busy, busy and more busy. But for some reason, while the girls were air drying from their bath and I was folding laundry, I felt this sudden rush of calmness and peace. It wasn't like something special happened, everything was actually quite ordinary but I just felt happy. There I was, folding clothes & listening to Eva Cassidy while catching the giggles of my children sitting on the sofa watching television and I felt happy. I felt light.

As a mother, there is nothing like listening to your children laugh and play together or seeing unadulterated happiness in their eyes. There is no greater gift than knowing that my children are happy and I think today just gave me overwhelming joy in being a mother. I think God knew that I was feeling very emotional and heavy and decided to lighten my load. It's not like my burdens have gone away but a burst of love turned to joy is just what I needed to lighten the load. 

There is only one other time in my life when I felt this feeling. It was over 10 years ago when after popping many colourful pills into my mouth, I was lying down in bed with a knife in my hand. I had not just hit rock bottom, I was repeatedly pummelling myself into that rock. I was beyond despair. Although I don't know how I managed to remain coherent, I know that I sent out a desperate prayer to God begging Him for a way out of my despair. I begged Him to either allow the pills to do their intended job or to take my life apart and build up a completely new one for me. I prayed that night until I fell asleep, not knowing whether I would wake up the next morning. Needless to say, the pills didn't work but even more than that, the prayer did! That morning I felt as light as air, literally. It was a strange feeling, like I was weightless and being carried. I felt unburdened and that was the renewing of my faith in God's promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And although I grew up in a Christian home, it was then that I knew without a doubt that I was His child and that He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for my sins! For me!  He truly loved me and heard my prayers. He was real and I mattered to Him!

That was the first time that I really felt God's hand on me, today was the second and I'm sure that there will be many more because God really does know what I need and when I need it. I may be counting pennies or rubbing overly used joints and I may continue to do so all the days of my life but He knows exactly what I need to continue moving forward. He knows when my well is drying up and I'm in need of some water and He gives it to me. He lifts me into His mighty arms, feeds me His thirst quenching water and I feel as light as air. Oh what a feeling!

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Preserved Flower Paintings

So this blog will be short and sweet, hopefully more sweet than short...

After Holy Hungry Artists (which will be held again sometime before Christmas), I was asked to put up pictures of my paintings online so that others could view them. Unfortunately, I don't have much to show as I don't paint as often as I would like to but here they are:

So this first painting is my most famous. I created it the summer of 2009, and it has the most interesting background story. I call it Fertility because when I had a dream about this painting (which I often have before I can create anything of value) it first came out as a painting of two sperms impregnating two ovums. This is what the painting was at first, but when I made it into reality, it wasn't what I envisioned or it was but I didn't like how it looked. So I took some flowers that my new husband had given, I dried them, affixed them onto the canvas and then repainted it into this. I thought, well if I can't make my vision into reality then I'll make it into a keepsake of the first flowers he gave me after we got married. But the funny thing about this painting is that shortly after I finished it (about a month after), we found out that I was pregnant with fraternal twins! So the vision I had for this piece was like a premonition of my darling girls...and it's a keepsake at the same time!

The next floral piece was created to preserve special flowers once again. The red roses remind me of when I had my open heart surgery last year and of my husband staying by my side every day at the hospital. These were from the bouquet he gave me at the hospital. I didn't really have any meaningful design in mind other than I wanted to petals to look like they were blowing in the wind. I call it Forget Me Not because it reminds me of how close I came to death and how precious and short life. Eventually we all become but a memory, hopefully never to be forgotten. (This painting is sold).

This final floral piece was created once again out of flowers from my hubby. I finished it recently for the art show. I didn't really have any inspiration for this one either, in regards to the design. It is simply called Petals.

I have made two other one that were custom orders. If any one is interested in a custom painting, you can leave me a message here. I can use your own flowers, if so desired or I can choose flowers myself. If there is a story behind the chosen flowers, please let me know that too so that I can take it into account with the design (I also just love hearing/reading stories)! The cost of the painting is determined by the cost of the materials, size of canvas and amount of time spent on it. I can only give a price range at pre-production time.