Tuesday 17 July 2012

I Got A Feeling

Today I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like this but the feelings are strong and true.


This morning started out pretty much the same as any other: me in the kids' room, having fallen asleep there after Inaya woke up crying before daylight. I was awakened by the delivery of very enthusiastic hugs, which is the norm and the rest of the day was routine as well: feeding, cleaning, changing, tickling and playing/reading on repeat and also cooking, cleaning, washing, folding and sweeping on repeat as well. I was busy, busy and more busy. But for some reason, while the girls were air drying from their bath and I was folding laundry, I felt this sudden rush of calmness and peace. It wasn't like something special happened, everything was actually quite ordinary but I just felt happy. There I was, folding clothes & listening to Eva Cassidy while catching the giggles of my children sitting on the sofa watching television and I felt happy. I felt light.


As a mother, there is nothing like listening to your children laugh and play together or seeing unadulterated happiness in their eyes. There is no greater gift than knowing that my children are happy and I think today just gave me overwhelming joy in being a mother. I think God knew that I was feeling very emotional and heavy and decided to lighten my load. It's not like my burdens have gone away but a burst of love turned to joy is just what I needed to lighten the load. 


There is only one other time in my life when I felt this feeling. It was over 10 years ago when after popping many colourful pills into my mouth, I was lying down in bed with a knife in my hand. I had not just hit rock bottom, I was repeatedly pummelling myself into that rock. I was beyond despair. Although I don't know how I managed to remain coherent, I know that I sent out a desperate prayer to God begging Him for a way out of my despair. I begged Him to either allow the pills to do their intended job or to take my life apart and build up a completely new one for me. I prayed that night until I fell asleep, not knowing whether I would wake up the next morning. Needless to say, the pills didn't work but even more than that, the prayer did! That morning I felt as light as air, literally. It was a strange feeling, like I was weightless and being carried. I felt unburdened and that was the renewing of my faith in God's promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And although I grew up in a Christian home, it was then that I knew without a doubt that I was His child and that He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for my sins! For me!  He truly loved me and heard my prayers. He was real and I mattered to Him!


That was the first time that I really felt God's hand on me, today was the second and I'm sure that there will be many more because God really does know what I need and when I need it. I may be counting pennies or rubbing overly used joints and I may continue to do so all the days of my life but He knows exactly what I need to continue moving forward. He knows when my well is drying up and I'm in need of some water and He gives it to me. He lifts me into His mighty arms, feeds me His thirst quenching water and I feel as light as air. Oh what a feeling!



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