Blessed Assurance

I suffer from Manic Depression otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. I have for a very long time. I go through stages of wild euphoria where I feel like I can take on the world, I need no sleep and I have little to no control over silliness like my shopping sprees. I also go through terrible phases of anxiety and irritability and anger. That's the mania. Then there are stages at the complete other end of the spectrum when I am so lethargic that my skin feel like the weight of the world and I have to fight every urge to stay in bed and ignore my motherly responsibilities. And when I do manage to get out of bed, it takes an eternity to realize that someone is talking to me or something is happening around me because my senses are not functioning properly. My mind fades to elsewhere and my eyes unfocus until it seems that my mind and my body are now separate entities. I've overcome the low self-esteem aspect of the disease but I suffer from great, overwhelming sadness. A sadness that envelops me from the tips of my toes to the hairs on my head. A sadness that comes from nowhere and everywhere, so heavy is the burden that my mind can't contain it. My heart, my soul and my mind fight hard to retain lordship over their kingdoms but sometimes not even in the realm of sleep do they find restoration to suffice their needs.

Anyhow, maybe I'll share more of that world on a later date. The whole point of me sharing such raw truthfulness with you (though it be small in details) is this, I've been suffering from this since I was eleven. That was the first time I experienced any symptoms of a disorder. I've overcome many debilitating circumstances and I've survived many self-destructive episodes. It is only through the grace and mercy of the cross that I am still here on this earth. And today, I find myself once again in a battle of wills between my self that desires life and joy and perseverance and my self that desires nothing but nothing.

As I was reading an article titled "Wisdom for the Trials of Life" by Charles F. Stanley I came into the section where he writes about God's purposes of trials. One part that bellowed in my ears was where he focuses on trials producing endurance. He states that this is a quality God desires in His children and he says this, "[endurance] may not be what we desire when suffering knocks on our door. But the Lord knows that some lessons are learned only under the pressure of adversity. Yet even then, He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial. Although we may think we can't endure it, He knows our limits and will not go beyond them. The kind of endurance God wants for us is not resignation in which we grumble, saying, "Well, I can't do anything to change my situation, so I guess I'm stuck with it." His goal is that we patiently abide the trial with an attitude of unfailing trust in His goodness and complete reliance upon His strength." This is an old lesson that I was taught even when I was just in Sunday School.

It is easy to remind myself that God won't give me anything I can't handle but it is another thing to live like it. Even though I know this fact and even though I believe it, sometimes when I am going through hardships, especially emotionally, it is so easy to live in denial of God's sovereignty. I like that part where Mr. Stanley wrote, "He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial" because he uses the word Protect. Sometimes when I find myself in a place where no man can follow, I can remind myself that I am wrapped in His blanket of protection and that this adversity, like all the others, is only for a time and I can endure it.

"There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace."

                                                           Ecclesiastes 3

He also states that God determines the intensity of each trial. For some reason this really struck me today, I guess because these phases of mania and depression vary in intensity and before I truly came to know the Lord, they used to knock me right off of my feet and then bind me to the floor. But now, I can rest assured that these levels of intensity are controlled. And it's funny that I am reminded of this now because it feels as if my feet are on thin ice. 

Isn't His timing perfect and isn't His goodness so sweet?

JRM

This morning I woke up at 3:15 because of a bad dream (don't ask, I cannot speak of it ever) so I got up and went to sleep with the girls in their bed. Then this morning at nine, I woke up and took the girls to have breakfast and as I was feeding them I started feeling melancholy. I thought at first that it was because they woke up pulling each other's hair and screaming but that doesn't normally make me want to shut the world out and curl up into a ball to cry and yet, that's what I felt like doing. So in attempts to fight this feeling, I grabbed my Iphone, plugged in my headphones and started to wash the dishes. But what should be the first song to play? "May Angels Lead You In" a beautiful song by Jimmy Eat World. I love this song but today it hit a painful chord with me and I just started crying as I washed the dishes. My DH was about to step out of the house to buy milk when he saw me at the beginnings of the waterfall and when he asked me what was wrong, I couldn't answer honestly because I did not know. So I said stress but that wasn't it. I didn't know what it was...maybe my period...

Anyhow, if anyone doesn't know, the song is about a person who has passed away and the regrets that the singer has for things not said or done. Usually when songs like this play I think of my mother but today it didn't feel right reflecting on her for some reason. And then I realized that it is the death anniversary of my dear friend, Jeff.

Ten years ago, I was a completely different person living a completely different life from today. I had different friends as well. Some I am still close with, some are more of acquaintances now and some I don't ever see or hear from. That's just the way that life works I know but there are some friends who's strings were cut on a very specific day, this day, ten years ago. A lot of hurt was buried away that day and I know for myself, that they were not spoken of again. Not for a long time.

Out of all of our friends I knew Jeff for the shortest amount of time, everyone else had years on me. But Jeff and I had a private bond, our health problems. After a couple of years of hanging out, just months before he died, we realized how good we could be for one another and as if out of nowhere, we were waking each other up, getting each other out of bed and forcing ourselves to look another day in the face. He was often the slap in the face that I needed and I loved him for that. We began to hang out daily and support each other in many ways. I would go with him to his hospital appointments and he would come to mine. He showed me the scars that he had never shown anyone else save his family. He trusted me with his deepest secrets and thoughts as I did and we both knew that our new found friendship was on borrowed time. We just didn't know how short it was.

On the day that he died, he was at Just Desserts waiting for me. We were supposed to have coffee.

I'll never forget that day. It is forever burned into my heart and my soul.

I never showed up.

He waited for hours for me and I had forgotten. I was at my boyfriend's house when our friend James called me and told me that he went to meet Jeff and...

I should have been there.

...

My husband tells me that maybe things turned out this way so that I would never forget him. It would be my special connection to Jeff. Maybe. I don't think Jeff would have wanted me hanging on to this forever. I like to think that he has forgiven me for standing him up. Even so, it will always be a burden I'll carry and I carry it willingly. For it has taught me that we should never make promises we can't keep. We should cherish each moment and each person that God has placed in our lives and we should try to make each moment count. Don't ever forget your "hellos", your "thank yous" or your "I love yous". Kiss people. Hold hands. Smile.

When someone needs you, be there. When you can't be, pray.

Remember your parents and grandparents. Remember your family and friends.

Ask people what you can do for them.

Look people in the face when you speak to them and remember their faces. Then before you go to bed at night, think about all of the smiles or frowns that you saw and pray for them.

Don't live a life of regret. Find peace and grace.

Find God before it's too late.

Let's Keep Going!

On this day three years ago, we made a vow to be each other's one and only forever. We promised to never let each other go through the good, the bad and the ugly. During the sunny days, it is your face I see glowing in the sunlight. During the grey and foggy days, it is your hand holding mine and guiding me when I can't see. And during the tumultuous storms, eclipses and stumbles into the very deepest pits of heartache and pain, when it seems as if the whole of the world has been utterly abandoned, it will still be you and I holding hands, looking up into the heavens while falling humbly on our knees just as we did when our adventure first began.

Our marriage hasn't been easy peasy. Our journey isn't light and dreamy. Our path is jagged and messy, lined with crags and crevices, mountains and vales, lush forests and dry deserts. Sometimes we may feel dehydrated, cold and afraid and we may wonder whether we took the right path after all but then there are the other days, the beautiful days, when we are so full of pleasures and joys overflowing that tell us, yes we did. I know I can be a very difficult woman to be with. I know I easily overreact, over emphasize and over analyze. I come jampacked with problems and I bear a heavy load wherever I go, completely unhinged and riddled with scars. I would think that no sane man would even consider trusting the rest of his life to a sickly neurotic like me. And yet here you are and here you did. Not only are you here but you've learned to calm me and neutralize me. And no matter how much we fight or how different our views may be on things you never make me feel like you don't want me. By the grace of God, you've tamed the lion inside of me and for all the days of my life, I can rest easy in knowing that we are purposed for each other.

Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the beautiful family that you have given me.

I hope we still have a long road ahead of us because there's still so much that I want to experience and learn with you. And when our children are grown and have families of their own, I look forward to one day being that old couple doing nothing but sitting on a bench holding hands just because.

May the Lord continue to dwell in our home and bless us with more love and deeper love.

Let's keep going my love! We still have more cars to chase!

It's A Brand New Day (Year)

So it's 2:34 am on January 1st, 2012. Wow! 2012.

When most people are either out partying the night away or are snug in their beds dreaming of all the possibilities a brand new year comes with I am, or was until 5 minutes ago, lying in between a fevering husband with chills that could give the night cold a run for its money and two kids with a stomach bug. I am trying to sleep but constantly find myself checking on the three of them while also trying to hold down my own nausea and ignore my own  upset stomach.

Anyway, while trying to tire myself out, I start thinking about the girls being in school (a fantasy I often visit) but in this one, I have to pick them up early because they're not feeling well and are throwing up in the classroom. So I go to retrieve them and as we're walking to the car I suddenly realize that I no longer have my driver's license (true fact) and my daydream comes to a sudden halt. Then it switches to me being at the DMV taking my G2 test and the guy testing me is asking why I lost my license. Sigh. So I go into this whole shpiel of failing my G, getting married, getting pregnant, my mom getting cancer, me having twins, my mom dying and then me getting sick while having to care for the babies. It takes the entire duration of the test for me to finish my tale and by the end of it, we're both choked up and sitting in the parking lot trying to compose ourselves. He's talking now, wishing he could take me out for coffee after I tell him that I didn't even care whether I got my license or not, I just needed to get some air, some me time. He then asks me if there's anything he that he could do for me and I say...

 "Pray for me. Whether you're a religious man or not, pray for me, my health and my family and also love. Love more." And he asks me what I mean and I tell him that the world's love deposit is drying up and very few people even realize it. They feel something lacking but they don't know what. God is love. Love is God. We are called to be like Christ and so like love but we are not love. I tell him to love big. Love his loved ones more. Love his friends and acquaintences. Love those he hates or can't stand or those who annoy him to no end. Love strangers. I tell him that I tell my husband (which I haven't but I will) who has terrible road rage that whenever he gets angry at a bad driver and calls them an idiot or a jerk, to intentionally think that maybe that man's wife is dying of cancer and he's so brokenhearted and doesn't know what he's doing anymore and his mind is so distracted that for a moment, he forgot the speed or to put on his lights. Or maybe you're in a restaurant or a cafe and there's one person sitting at a table by herself and obviously not eating or drinking anymore and you're standing there with your food or drink and maybe with your kids waiting to get a seat and your staring at her hoping to pierce her soul with your angry glare and move her to get up. But all the while, she's not moving because she has a serious health condition, say a heart condition, and she wants to move but she just can't. She doesn't have the strength to, she's just so tired and she has no one to call for help so she needs to pace herself and take it slow. Or maybe you see a drug addicted prostitute on the street who reeks of alcohol and you think to yourself, how does one let themselves get to that point or how can I pass by without her noticing me? But you don't know that that person was let go of work for health reasons and was denied government help because her family income was too high but her husband was a cruel man who made her start doing things to make more money and gave her drugs to ease the pain of it all. But when she became addicted, he took her kids and left her. She has nowhere else to go and this poor woman is suffering from serious depression, each day is a battle to not jump off a bridge or overdose on some narcotic. Her life is so upside down and broken. She sees life through shattered glass and no matter what she does, she can't fit the pieces back together again because they're just not all there anymore. She's not all there anymore. And while you're looking at her thinking one of the dozens of things you could be thinking, inside her pocket, she's holding a syringe to her with far too high of a dosage of whatever it is inside of it. She's standing at the mouth of the beast seconds away from giving herself freely when all she needs is just a little more love.

I tell this to the man and  I tell this to all of you. My knowledge of things is very limited. I wish I could call myself a wise old sage, because that sounds so cool, but I'm not. My experiences in life are very limited so when I write, it is because it is something pressing strongly on my heart to be set free. And on this morning, I tell you a small part of my story and I reveal a small portion of my thoughts and I say this, "Love more this year. Love freely. Love unconditionally and love BIG! This world is all dried up of real love, you can see it in our governments, in our media, in the ever unrelenting poverty. People don't know what love is anymore. They think that thinking or obsessing over a person is love. They think that sex is love. Our kids are growing up and learning love from Rhianna, who shows us that love is having someone to hold your hand while your popping pills and getting doped up. That's not love. We have Bruno Mars telling us that it's cool to get married when you're bored and looking for something stupid to do and they can just "fix it all up" in the morning. That's not love. We have hundreds of celebrities marrying and divorcing, dating every person they "feel a connection" with on screen, regardless of whether that person is married or has a family. We have governments making war on other countries, militia raping and killing their own people, adults taking advantage of kids to make a buck or fulfill a dark fantasy. What if any of these things were happening to your child? Or your sister or brother? Would you stand for it? What if one day, you're the one in the car distracted because your baby is in the backseat throwing up and choking and you're panicking while driving like a maniac? Would you not be unintentionally thinking that people should be understanding, caring and gracious... and getting out of your way!?" We don't know what people are going through just as they don't know what we are going through but what if we all started to care a little bit more about that? What do you think would happen?

God called us out of this darkness to be His light. Yes, one person can make a difference. In any given instant, your actions or reactions can start a whole chain of events, whether you are aware of them of not. You being patient with the man who was given the embarrassing task of ordering 24 coffees or not belittling the customer service rep who has taken 30 calls within the last hour and has had countless customers berate him as if their broken thingymajiger was his fault can make a huge difference. You can help someone go home and say, "Well today wasn't so bad afterall". I don't believe in coincidences, you can argue that all you like, but for every event in my life that I can accurately recollect, that event has had some other purpose or involvement in some other situation. And those are only things that I can actively remember or think of. Every momentous event, be it a good event, a bad event or a terribly stupid one, has resurfaced. God doesn't allow us to suffer or experience joy just for the heck of it.

Anyhow, it's 3:39 am and my mind is starting to wander and the computer screen is starting to dance so I'll get to my point if I haven't already made it clear:

In this new year, let's all try to actively love and love out loud.

It's not a new idea or anything but let's try to fulfill it anyway =)

Happy New Year everyone and may this year be filled with blessings, answered prayers and mostly, more of God!

P.S. Yes, I really don't have my license because of the aforementioned chain of events....