Blessed Assurance

I suffer from Manic Depression otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. I have for a very long time. I go through stages of wild euphoria where I feel like I can take on the world, I need no sleep and I have little to no control over silliness like my shopping sprees. I also go through terrible phases of anxiety and irritability and anger. That's the mania. Then there are stages at the complete other end of the spectrum when I am so lethargic that my skin feel like the weight of the world and I have to fight every urge to stay in bed and ignore my motherly responsibilities. And when I do manage to get out of bed, it takes an eternity to realize that someone is talking to me or something is happening around me because my senses are not functioning properly. My mind fades to elsewhere and my eyes unfocus until it seems that my mind and my body are now separate entities. I've overcome the low self-esteem aspect of the disease but I suffer from great, overwhelming sadness. A sadness that envelops me from the tips of my toes to the hairs on my head. A sadness that comes from nowhere and everywhere, so heavy is the burden that my mind can't contain it. My heart, my soul and my mind fight hard to retain lordship over their kingdoms but sometimes not even in the realm of sleep do they find restoration to suffice their needs.

Anyhow, maybe I'll share more of that world on a later date. The whole point of me sharing such raw truthfulness with you (though it be small in details) is this, I've been suffering from this since I was eleven. That was the first time I experienced any symptoms of a disorder. I've overcome many debilitating circumstances and I've survived many self-destructive episodes. It is only through the grace and mercy of the cross that I am still here on this earth. And today, I find myself once again in a battle of wills between my self that desires life and joy and perseverance and my self that desires nothing but nothing.

As I was reading an article titled "Wisdom for the Trials of Life" by Charles F. Stanley I came into the section where he writes about God's purposes of trials. One part that bellowed in my ears was where he focuses on trials producing endurance. He states that this is a quality God desires in His children and he says this, "[endurance] may not be what we desire when suffering knocks on our door. But the Lord knows that some lessons are learned only under the pressure of adversity. Yet even then, He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial. Although we may think we can't endure it, He knows our limits and will not go beyond them. The kind of endurance God wants for us is not resignation in which we grumble, saying, "Well, I can't do anything to change my situation, so I guess I'm stuck with it." His goal is that we patiently abide the trial with an attitude of unfailing trust in His goodness and complete reliance upon His strength." This is an old lesson that I was taught even when I was just in Sunday School.

It is easy to remind myself that God won't give me anything I can't handle but it is another thing to live like it. Even though I know this fact and even though I believe it, sometimes when I am going through hardships, especially emotionally, it is so easy to live in denial of God's sovereignty. I like that part where Mr. Stanley wrote, "He sovereignly and lovingly protects us by determining the length and intensity of each trial" because he uses the word Protect. Sometimes when I find myself in a place where no man can follow, I can remind myself that I am wrapped in His blanket of protection and that this adversity, like all the others, is only for a time and I can endure it.

"There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace."

                                                           Ecclesiastes 3

He also states that God determines the intensity of each trial. For some reason this really struck me today, I guess because these phases of mania and depression vary in intensity and before I truly came to know the Lord, they used to knock me right off of my feet and then bind me to the floor. But now, I can rest assured that these levels of intensity are controlled. And it's funny that I am reminded of this now because it feels as if my feet are on thin ice. 

Isn't His timing perfect and isn't His goodness so sweet?