Comforter

It's been three days and I can't seem to shake this fit. I just want to lay in bed and drown in my blankets and pillows. I want to hold my babies and make them stay in bed with me forever where it's soft and safe.

When I lay in bed I float into and among the clouds but I don't feel free. I feel...translucid. I feel like I'm moving in between, within and without. I feel like everything that my physical body perceives is taken in and diffused until it becomes nothing. Nothing. Meaning nothing. Nothing means anything but everything. I hear their voices, their footsteps, their movements. I feel the cold, the heat, their breath. I smell them. Their skin. Their breath. Their hair. And I want to   get up. Just get up. But I can't. I can. I won't. I will. I will.

But when I lay in bed, she's here again. She's real and I can feel her and touch her and hear her voice. She touches me like she never will again. We can talk and laugh and cry together. She can comb my hair and hold my hands and kiss me. She's here with me and I don't want to leave her. When she left, I wasn't there and I can never forgive myself for that. So how can I leave her now? I know I must and I know that I will. But why can't I hold the sun up as high as I can where I can for as long as I can? If I can feel her warmth for just a little longer, can't I?

I know it's just my comforter. Can't I just pretend a little longer?

Uninvited.

Today I feel like my eyes refuse to stay open. They're heavy and dry and rebellious. They reflect my heart. I guess it's just one of those days where yellow is too yellow and seasoned chicken tastes like dry toast. The silverware is staring at me relentlessly like stone cold anarchists refusing to do their job. But I'm sure it's probably me.

I don't know what happened. I was perfectly fine, perfectly. Then all of a sudden BAM! I was blinded my this same dang wretched demon that has been feasting on my soul for decades. He empties me out so fast that I don't even know he's there until he's already had his fill. When he feeds, it feels like hunger pangs. It feels like exhaustion. It feels like grief. It feels like failure. It feels like death. And the worst of it all is that after being familiar so intimately for so many years, each time that he comes to visit a part of me opens the door and says, "Ah there you are old fellow, where have you been for so long? Come, let's have a bite shall we?" And how can I not be inviting to such an old acquaintance, for one who was once considered a friend?

Gah. You know, today just wasn't a good day for a visit...

And life goes on

I just woke up from a strange dream that got me thinking. I can barely open my eyes but sleep is gone from me so I figured I'd capture my dream before I lose that too.

In this dream, my sister, Sarah, and I find ourselves wandering around a hotel/convention centre and we are I guess mistaken for other people or caught in the rapt of some big commotion. Anyhow, we soon find ourselves dressed in glamorous clothes, I in a silver gown (which is funny because I loathe silver) and Sarah in a black one. The dresses are beautiful  although our hair and shoes and makeup are all drab. We are then thrown onto a large stage. It appears that we are on an awards show of some sort in the Philippines and then it turns out it's  the Golden Globes. So we're standing on stage with a crowd of people who seem to be extras on set and we just do what they do. Some people are singing and there's dancing, the way filings do. Then a break comes and we're all sent to the "green room", which isn't green in case you're visualizing with me. We're sitting on a  round bench just watching what's going on around us and wondering how the heck we got there and we're looking at our shoes wondering why they didn't give us new shoes.

So we just sit and sit. People are passing by totally unaware that we don't belong. Some making weird passes at us and some just looking but nothing unseemly. We get up and walk for a bit then go back to our seats. A couple of individuals introduce themselves and notice we don't have passes like them but they don't say anything about it. And then "Sara Sidel" from CSI comes up to us asking for our passes. We unintentionally ignore her questions because of who she is (being nothing but excited about it) and she gets angry saying we're mocking her. She then begins to kick out intruders and spotlights us. We try to explain that we didn't mean to be there and didn't even know how we got there but of course it all sound like an excuse.

And that's essentially the end of it. Haha to the rest unmentioned in between. 

Anyway, this dream got me thinking...

Don't you feel that sometimes or at some time in life, you got swept up in a current and found yourself just going with the flow just because that's where are. You feel a little dazed and a little confused but don't really know where else to go or what else to do so you just stay right there. You appear to be in the right place but your shoes don't match. And you can feel people looking but they don't say anything so you don't know what to take from it. Then all of a sudden someone or something stops you in the flow and knocks you right out of it. You find yourself in still waters.

The dream ends. You're feeling a bit out of sorts, wondering, "What the heck just happened?" And then life continues. But now what?

Roid Rage

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want to scream until your lungs collapse and the littlest sound of anyone's voice makes you want to snap and yet, at the same time, you want to hide in a closet, fall on the floor and cry until you empty yourself out? That was me today. In fact, I am presently sitting in a closet typing this out because I have no other way to let out all of my wild, uncontrollable emotions. I feel angry, spastic, temperamental and frustrated. I feel anxious, sad, lonely and wrung-out. I feel claustrophobic yet alone. I feel crazy!

I must confess now that the major, though not entire, cause of this emotional and mental kerflugenflagam (yeah I just typed out letters there) is that I am on a series of steroids right now, Prednisone, to be exact. I am on a 6-week cycle of the drug to help get my Crohn's Disease back in check. I have got one week down, five to go, and the drug works wonders I tell you. I love going on them because they work so fast in calming things down but for every magic spell, there are consequences... The minor ones being, I am hungry more and gaining weight FAST. The major one being THE RAGE! I feel like the Hulk, the littlest thing sets me off, I have no patience and I feel like I could go days without sleeping even though my body is crying for me to. I hate this feeling. I hate being snappy and irritable and upset. I hate having no outlet for it. I hate having no peace and quiet, no freedom, no alone time to just calm myself. No "serenity now" for me. I am trying to get used to a new living situation. I am trying to get my children to settle nicely without continuously asking to go home. I am trying to make myself feel at home and comfortable. But it doesn't help that I have to do all of this by myself and while feeling like this. All I want to do is lock myself in this closet and hide here until it all goes away.

But I can't.

So.... what do I do?

I yell and scream in my head. I cry in my heart. And I fall to my knees and pray to God that He will be my strength and that He will lead me to calm waters. I need the Lord's calm waters. I need His grace and mercy every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I need my Rock to keep me steady during this tumultuous time. (I'm not even kidding, it is tumultuous. If you've ever been on 'roids of any kind, you know how it can mess you up and if you haven't, then I'm sure you've heard stories. - Sorry for the rant there.)

...I also need my kids to calm the heck down so I can sit down for more than two minutes at a time. But that's another challenge for another time.

Anyway, thanks for listening! xoxo

I Got A Feeling

Today I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like this but the feelings are strong and true.


This morning started out pretty much the same as any other: me in the kids' room, having fallen asleep there after Inaya woke up crying before daylight. I was awakened by the delivery of very enthusiastic hugs, which is the norm and the rest of the day was routine as well: feeding, cleaning, changing, tickling and playing/reading on repeat and also cooking, cleaning, washing, folding and sweeping on repeat as well. I was busy, busy and more busy. But for some reason, while the girls were air drying from their bath and I was folding laundry, I felt this sudden rush of calmness and peace. It wasn't like something special happened, everything was actually quite ordinary but I just felt happy. There I was, folding clothes & listening to Eva Cassidy while catching the giggles of my children sitting on the sofa watching television and I felt happy. I felt light.


As a mother, there is nothing like listening to your children laugh and play together or seeing unadulterated happiness in their eyes. There is no greater gift than knowing that my children are happy and I think today just gave me overwhelming joy in being a mother. I think God knew that I was feeling very emotional and heavy and decided to lighten my load. It's not like my burdens have gone away but a burst of love turned to joy is just what I needed to lighten the load. 


There is only one other time in my life when I felt this feeling. It was over 10 years ago when after popping many colourful pills into my mouth, I was lying down in bed with a knife in my hand. I had not just hit rock bottom, I was repeatedly pummelling myself into that rock. I was beyond despair. Although I don't know how I managed to remain coherent, I know that I sent out a desperate prayer to God begging Him for a way out of my despair. I begged Him to either allow the pills to do their intended job or to take my life apart and build up a completely new one for me. I prayed that night until I fell asleep, not knowing whether I would wake up the next morning. Needless to say, the pills didn't work but even more than that, the prayer did! That morning I felt as light as air, literally. It was a strange feeling, like I was weightless and being carried. I felt unburdened and that was the renewing of my faith in God's promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And although I grew up in a Christian home, it was then that I knew without a doubt that I was His child and that He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for my sins! For me!  He truly loved me and heard my prayers. He was real and I mattered to Him!


That was the first time that I really felt God's hand on me, today was the second and I'm sure that there will be many more because God really does know what I need and when I need it. I may be counting pennies or rubbing overly used joints and I may continue to do so all the days of my life but He knows exactly what I need to continue moving forward. He knows when my well is drying up and I'm in need of some water and He gives it to me. He lifts me into His mighty arms, feeds me His thirst quenching water and I feel as light as air. Oh what a feeling!

Preserved Flower Paintings

So this blog will be short and sweet, hopefully more sweet than short...

After Holy Hungry Artists (which will be held again sometime before Christmas), I was asked to put up pictures of my paintings online so that others could view them. Unfortunately, I don't have much to show as I don't paint as often as I would like to but here they are:

So this first painting is my most famous. I created it the summer of 2009, and it has the most interesting background story. I call it Fertility because when I had a dream about this painting (which I often have before I can create anything of value) it first came out as a painting of two sperms impregnating two ovums. This is what the painting was at first, but when I made it into reality, it wasn't what I envisioned or it was but I didn't like how it looked. So I took some flowers that my new husband had given, I dried them, affixed them onto the canvas and then repainted it into this. I thought, well if I can't make my vision into reality then I'll make it into a keepsake of the first flowers he gave me after we got married. But the funny thing about this painting is that shortly after I finished it (about a month after), we found out that I was pregnant with fraternal twins! So the vision I had for this piece was like a premonition of my darling girls...and it's a keepsake at the same time!

The next floral piece was created to preserve special flowers once again. The red roses remind me of when I had my open heart surgery last year and of my husband staying by my side every day at the hospital. These were from the bouquet he gave me at the hospital. I didn't really have any meaningful design in mind other than I wanted to petals to look like they were blowing in the wind. I call it Forget Me Not because it reminds me of how close I came to death and how precious and short life. Eventually we all become but a memory, hopefully never to be forgotten. (This painting is sold).

This final floral piece was created once again out of flowers from my hubby. I finished it recently for the art show. I didn't really have any inspiration for this one either, in regards to the design. It is simply called Petals.

I have made two other one that were custom orders. If any one is interested in a custom painting, you can leave me a message here. I can use your own flowers, if so desired or I can choose flowers myself. If there is a story behind the chosen flowers, please let me know that too so that I can take it into account with the design (I also just love hearing/reading stories)! The cost of the painting is determined by the cost of the materials, size of canvas and amount of time spent on it. I can only give a price range at pre-production time.

Hidden Gems

This Sunday my family church is hosting its 2nd  Holy Hungry Artists event in which we celebrate the talents of local hidden artists be it a painter, a photographer, a singer, a crafter or a baker, all are given the spotlight on this special night. There are so many people just in our local city with so much skill and talent that never see the light because they are either not given the opportunity to explore that talent or because they are afraid of either the pains of production or of the finished product itself. I, myself, am afraid of both but this weekend I will be one of the people presenting my creations for the first time to the general public. I am doing so because I am afraid to. I have always been afraid of 'doing things wrong' and looking silly but I am trying this new thing called "believing that I am special and have God-given talents" that were given to be used. 


It seems fitting I think to correlate this with the hidden gems of Christ's kingdom (ahem, us, again). The potential evangelists, the counsellors, the missionaries, the Sunday School teachers, the prayer warriors, the Church leaders who are afraid of that tiny nudge from God towards a certain path that we all too often shy away from. You know, that nudge that gives you that strange feeling in your chest and belly resemblant to the need to eliminate something. Gross I know, but it's a good metaphor because that feeling may perhaps be a need to eliminate your fears and follow God's leading despite what the pains of production may be or what the actual outcome may be. The important thing is that you listened to God and you utilized the gifts that He gave you. 


So explore your hidden gifts, He gave them to you for a reason and gifts are given to be used not to be hidden away in a closet collecting dust (that would be an insult to any gift-giver). And while your at it, come support our artists' hidden or not-so-hidden talents this Sunday at the Older Adult Centre in the basement of Square One Shopping Centre in Mississauga. Items may be sold, donations may be given (we are collecting goods for the Open Door) and missionaries may be assisted!


We all need encouragement and nurturing to cultivate and thrive in our fields!